Alternative Weekend Playlist, Vol. 44 - What's In a Name?
Note: I created this playlist more than 13 years ago, long before I had a Substack. Recently I found it when I was looking through some files. I read through it and still enjoyed it, so I thought I would share it again. I have made some updates here and there, but not to the song selections, just the commentary. That’s why you won’t see any songs that have been released after 2011 or so. Also because the majority of music released in the last decade is awful dreck. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. The full Spotify playlist is at the bottom of the article if you do.
So, I ran across this classic Family Guy episode recently and it made me laugh a lot. I don’t watch the show anymore, Family Guy has sort of fallen off the cliff into an abyss almost as deep as The Simpsons, but this is still a funny clip, with Stewie writing a song for a girl, Brian mocking him for it, and then Brian reeling off a stream of songs that have been named for girls until Stewie tells him to go fuck himself.
But, me being me, you can probably guess my reaction: “Well, that was funny, except that most of those songs completely suck!”
If you’ve read and listened to many of my past playlists, this will not come as a surprise to you. Maggie May?? Cecilia?? Blech!
But then I said to myself, “OK, smart guy! You think you know so much, what are your favorite songs named for girls?” And then I answered myself (as those who know my various mental states know that I am wont to do): “You’re on, skippy! I’m going to put together a list so awesome, Brian Griffin will put his tail between his legs and run away in shame!”
So, Brian Griffin named 31 songs in total during that clip. I’ll do him four better and list 35 that are each 100 times more awesome.
I made one rule for this (other than the songs coming from the alternative end of the musical spectrum). I would only include songs that were just names, or names with a title (like “Miss” or “Doctor”). So anything that was a woman’s name but that wasn’t the entirety of the song name was ruled out. That’s why you won’t see, for instance, “Charlotte Sometimes” by The Cure. (But at the end of the main list, I included a few others that would have made the list if not for that one rule.)
I also included a single lyric from all of these with a very brief commentary on that lyric, the song, or the band.
Finally, these are in alphabetical order, not ranked according to my preference. Interestingly, however, the last song on this list is still my favorite of all 35.
Crack one open and enjoy! 🍻🍻
35. Cut Copy - Alisa
“It’s funny how it isn’t/And life can be confused/You heard I love you baby/Words in a song, they’re not for you.”
How can Cut Copy sound so depressing and still make you want to dance? I thought only Robert Smith and Lauren Mayberry could do that. It's a mystery. But a happy mystery for your ears.
34. They Might Be Giants - Ana Ng
“When I was driving once I saw this painted on a bridge: ‘I don’t want the world, I just want your half.’”
A song about an imagined person and potential lover on the exact opposite side of the globe. Hopeful or abjectly miserable? I suppose the answer varies. But an interesting fact is that TMBG came up with the name for this song by picking one out of the phone book. Because of course, they did.
33. Elastica - Annie
“Vodka, scotch, and loads of beer/It’s so great we want to stay here.”
Well, if that ain’t wisdom, I don’t want to be wise. Also, this song was written as a tribute to one member of the band. See if you can guess which one, LOL.
32. Vampire Weekend - Bryn
“Oh Bryn, you see through the dark/Right past the fireflies that sleep in my heart.”
Yup. No idea what that means. Ezra Koenig is kind of a weirdo. But he can write a damn good song.
31. Siouxsie & The Banshees - Christine
“Every new problem brings a stranger inside/Helplessly forcing one more new disguise."
I suppose everyone has that problem from time to time. Some, like Christine, worse than others. But this song is based on another real-life person, Christine Costner-Sizemore, whose multiple personality disorder (or whatever they call it now) was the subject of the book The Three Faces of Eve.
But something tells me that lyric could apply to a lot of people.
30. Material Issue - Diane
“Diane’s got everything, a helicopter and a submarine/Yeah man, you’re just what this world needs.”
I’m not sure if this is a love song or a hate song. If it’s anything like real life, probably both. But I would love to date a woman with a helicopter and a submarine. Especially if she’s a Bond villain.
29. The Wombats - Dr. Suzanne Mattox, PhD
“She told me to stop drinking but I’ll do it anyway/I don’t care now, maybe I’ve died inside."
I ask you, who wouldn't fall in love with someone who fed them happy pills all the time? But I love the pathetic defiance and inner despair that runs through so many of The Wombat’s songs.
28. Art Brut - Emily Kane
“I’ve not seen her in 10 years.../9 months, 3 weeks, 4 days, 6 hours, 13 minutes, 5 seconds...”
Leave it to Art Brut to capture the obsession of a first love in such a funny way. This lyric is so perfect.
27. The Long Blondes - Erin O’Connor
“And Clinique, if you could speak, you’d tell me what to do...”
Why do I think the actual Erin O’Connor really doesn't like that lyric? Also, can someone buy Erin O’Connor a sandwich? I’m pretty sure I can see through her. And now I am realizing that some of you might not know who Erin O’Connor is. That’s what Google is for, people.
[On a side note, I was devastated when The Long Blondes broke up after founder Dorian Cox suffered a stroke in 2008. They were such an outstanding and underrated band. I don’t know if Cox is well enough to perform these days, but I would love a reunion if he is.]
26. Glasvegas - Geraldine
“When you’re standing on the window ledge/I’ll talk you back from the edge.”
I can’t really make any jokes about this song. A very nice, beautiful tribute to selfless people (one in particular) who work for others. I have to move on because I am about to cry. Everyone needs a Geraldine in their life. This is also based on a real-life person, a social worker named Geraldine Lennon who is a friend of Glasvegas lead singer James Allan.
25. Mika - Grace Kelly
“Say what you want to satisfy yourself/But you only want what everybody else says you should want.”
This is probably the umpteenth song a musician has written about how his/her record label wants him/her to be someone he/she is not. That makes this more than a little boring, but Mika writes a catchy little ditty here...and yeah, no offense, but you do sound like Freddie Mercury. Sorry. There are worse things in the world. Whatever happened to Mika anyway? His voice was too good to be lost in the modern era of much worse singers.
24. Yeasayer - Grizelda
“There’s a whisper inside of her brain telling me who to kill/Telling me who will live."
Yes, another based on a real person, Grizelda Blanco. It's not every band that thinks a Florida drug empress and mass-murdering psycho who ordered the deaths of dozens of people deserves a song written about her - and a LOVE song to boot. But Yeasayer, you know, they’re quirky that way.
23. Franz Ferdinand - Jacqueline
“It’s always better on holiday/So much better on holiday/That’s why we only work when/We need the money."
Probably the most underrated song from Franz Ferdinand’s debut album. And regardless of the subject of the song, this lyric speaks the truth, Ruth!
The main thrust of the song, the often embarrassing difference between how you think someone sees you and how they actually see you, is also a…less pleasant truth.
22. Pete & The Pirates - Jennifer
“‘Cos Jennifer Jenny, don’t push your luck/Your lips got a kiss and my face got a punch.”
Yeah, that happens sometimes. What’re ya’ gonna' do?
21. Stellastarr* - Jenny
“And I guess it’s true that we ignore our mother/And we change our color, change our friends/It’s a soul-searching motherfucker.”
Jenny is a bad, bad, very bad, incorrigably bad girl. If you run into her (or one of her doppelgangers) in the lounge...run very fast in the opposite direction!
20. Ben Folds Five - Kate
“When all words fail, she speaks/Her mixtape’s a masterpiece.”
Falling in love with a musician...yup, happens way too often, Ben Folds. And with his lyrics, Ben is sure to let us know how silly it is to do that, especially when you are jealous of that musician’s talent that you will never have.
19. Girls - Laura
“I really want to be your friend forever/Friends forever.”
Pathetic. Simply pathetic, dude. Just break up with Laura already and move on with your life. But Girls make tired and lame break-up pleading and begging into a fun song.
18. Scissor Sisters - Laura
“I never thought you cared/This’ll be the last time/I ever do your hair.”
Seriously? What is it about girls named Laura that turns guys into such sniveling weenies?? But subject matter aside, this is a catchy tune from disco throwbacks Scissor Sisters.
17. Depeche Mode - Lilian
“Pain and misery/Always hit the spot/Knowing you can’t lose/What you haven’t got.”
OK, so newer Depeche Mode is, for the most part, nowhere near as good as their older music (the line of demarcation is clearly when Alan Wilder left the band), but I think Playing The Angel is an underrated album. And this is a good example. Not the most complicated song in the world, but it’s distinctively Depeche Mode: pleasure and pain mixed together in a sadomasochistic way that only Martin Gore can imagine.
16. Oasis - Lyla
“She believes in everything/In everyone and you and yours and mine.”
Say, is anything going on with Oasis lately? I haven’t heard anything about them. LOL. This is another lesser song from a band that achieved much greater things. Pretty simple and basic. But Lyla is Sally’s sister and that’s pretty cool.
Hopefully, I don’t have to explain who Sally is to even casual Oasis fans.
15. Stereophonics - Madame Helga
“And I kept/Buying and, lying and flying, relying and dying/To know what spins her world around.”
This one might skirt my restriction by having Helga’s title “Madame” in it. But screw it. My list, my rules. And Stereophonics are awesome! Women and drunken binges? Yup, they go together pretty well. Stereophonics get the frustrated screams down pretty perfectly here.
15. Kate Nash - Mariella
“She marched to her wardrobe and threw away the colour/because wearing black looks mysterious/but it didn’t impress her mother.”
This song builds up magnificently. A really nice anthem of independence that remains quirky and fun. Trust me, it’s worth the wait to get to the end. On the other hand, there are many who might think that MORE women should take some pritt stick and glue their lips together.
Hey, I’m just sayin'. Don’t shoot the messenger.
14. Fountains of Wayne - Maureen
“She calls me up at ten past midnight/‘Cause she and some guy just had some big fight/And I say, ‘Well, maybe he’s just not all that bright’/She tells me it’s not his brain that she likes.”
Attention every “nice guy” in the world: you probably don’t want to listen to this song. You’re not gonna’ like it one bit.
Attention women: If you are like Maureen, you pretty much suck; you know that, right?
…But this song still kicks ass. I cannot beg people enough. If you don’t know Fountains of Wayne, go back and listen to them. And not “Stacy’s Mom.” They were so much better of a band than that song. R.I.P Adam Schlesinger.
13. The Maccabees - Mary
“Couldn’t save a family/Cause heroes wear masks/And lycra.”
I love The ‘Bees and they are in good form here. Not the deepest song in the world, but catchy.
12. The Airborne Toxic Event - Missy
“I lie awake every night, staring at the ceiling/Wondering why I feel so bad, why I feel so bad/But I swear, I swear, I swear I’ll never get sad.”
I guess a good woman can’t save every man. Even a good, religious gal like Missy. The Airborne Toxic Event is such a great band and has so many devastating songs, even if their lead singer is kind of a twat.
11. Sponge - Molly
“I watch you passed out for a while/I touch your face you start to smile/And on your note is my reply/I wished I loved you.”
HA! I have arrived at a song that I am confident everyone knows! But it’s actually not true that this song was written for Molly Ringwald. It is refreshing, however, to have a song about a girl pining for a guy who doesn’t love her, instead of the other way around all the time.
10. The Black Lips - O Katrina!
“O Katrina why you gotta be mean/You broke my heart way down in New Orleans.”
Not much to this, lyrically. But I prefer to think that the hurricane is just a metaphor for…something else.
LOL, I could be wrong.
9. The Little Ones - Oh, MJ!
“The people are in lines trying to be you/Oh, and now you are dancing.”
Clearly, I have made an executive decision that exclamations like “O” and “Oh” do not violate my rule. It’s good to be the king.
In any event, I have no idea what the song is really about, but that's a pretty good line right there. The Little Ones were an underrated indie band and this is just a straight pretty song to balance out The Black Lips above.
8. Throwing Muses - Portia
“I am unshaken/I am unshaken/I am unshaken/I am unshaken."
Tanya Donnelly and Kristin Hersh are frickin’ amazing. That is all.
7. Sleigh Bells - Rachel
“Rachel, please, don’t go to the beach.”
Hey! What’s wrong with the beach? I think Rachel would probably look pretty good at the beach. This is also probably the only song by Sleigh Bells that won't blow out your eardrums, so enjoy it.
6. Sugarcubes - Regina
“I really don’t like lobster!”
This always bothered me. Except for Orthodox Jews and people with allergies...WHO IN GOD’S NAME DOESN’T LIKE LOBSTER?? But this song is a fantastic canvas to showcase Björk’s amazing voice, so I’ll let that slide.
5. Noisettes - Sister Rosetta
“And if I was you/I’d use the loo/Before the long drive.”
Who said songs can’t include lyrics that are just plain sound traveling advice, huh? Shingai Shoniwa can flat-out belt out a tune though. I defy anyone to listen to this and remain seated.
4. The Fratellis - Stacie Anne
“I hate these cunts from London they don’t try enough/They think they’re mental cause they’ve tried harder stuff/But they’re just rich kids yes, all in a fuckin’ mess/I tried to kiss her but she’s lookin’ pretty rough.”
Rule #1 with Fratellis songs: don’t look for any real deep meanings. But this tune has a pretty good dig at rival musicians in it, especially for a song ostensibly written about a guy hitting on another guy’s girlfriend.
3. The Teenagers - Starlett Johansson
“When I noticed for Jared Leto/I felt sad for 30 seconds/Oh when I noticed for Josh Hartnett/I prayed for 40 nights.”
You gotta’ admire a band that takes on a huge Hollywood star, and then manages to take the piss out of a couple of her self-involved overrated erstwhile boyfriends as well. This song is simply hilarious.
2. Weezer - Susanne
“When I met you I was all alone/Cold and hungry crying on the phone/You baked me brownies and said, ‘Don’t you cry.’”
Weezer writes torch songs for geeks and always has. Hey, somebody has to. The Guns N’ Roses references in this song are great. And it makes it a little more special that the song is about either A) a guy who falls in love with a lesbian or B) an orangutan.
1. The Zutons - Valerie
“‘Cause since I’ve come on home/Well, my body’s been a mess/And I’ve missed your ginger hair/And the way you like to dress.”
(OK, it doesn’t have much to do with the song’s meaning, but I picked the lyric about the ginger hair because...well, if you know me, you know why.)
A love song about someone who got caught drinking and driving? Well, hardship breeds affection I guess, doesn’t it?
But whatever you do, DO NOT listen to the lousy Mark Ronson/Amy Winehouse cover of this song. Nothing against the dearly departed Ms. Winehouse, but David McCabe’s original is the one and ONLY version of this song!
Period.
Honorable Mentions
Below is a list of other songs I wanted to include, but decided not to because they’re not named for women, they just contain a girl’s name in the title (and/or they were from a band I already included in the list and I try not to duplicate bands in my playlists). But every single one of the songs below is ALSO 100 times better than anything Brian Griffin ever thought of.
Squeeze - Annie Get Your Gun
Dandy Warhols - Cool as Kim Deal
Siouxsie & The Banshees - Dear Prudence
Duran Duran - Electric Barbarella
Everclear - Elektra Made Me Blind
Thomas Dolby - Europa And The Pirate Twins
Pete Yorn - For Nancy ('Cos It Already Is)
The Teenagers - Fuck Nicole
Liz Phair- Help Me, Mary
Fountains of Wayne - Hey, Julie
The Cure - A Letter To Elise
The Vaselines - Molly’s Lips
The Wombats - Patricia The Stripper
The Smiths - Sheila Take A Bow
The Icicle Works - Understanding Jane
Hope you enjoy all of these, music lovers. I know I do.
Here is the full playlist on Spotify (not counting honorable mentions).